Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Unhealthy Prejudice

There are certain people that should not be sharing the roads with the rest of us. Perhaps, like me, you have started identifying these people by certain characteristics?

I'm probably going to offend a few people, even some friends, but here's my Guide to Identifying the Probable Idiot:

Baby on Board sticker
They always ignore the road rules. Either, Baby is the cause of the distraction, or they're simply stupid. In any case they shouldn't be breeding or driving. The irony is that the sticker is an attempt to warn ME to drive safely...

Think Bike sticker on the car
These morons thinks that because they can straddle the painted lines with their penis extensions, that this this affords them the same right in a car. Their implied consideration does not extend to anyone other than themselves.

Toddle doo
The toddler or shall we refer to them as "impending-projectile offspring of idiot" or simply "candidate projectile", merrily toddles about the confines of their sperm-donor's front seat or centre console while the sperm-donor swerves erratically while trying to prevent the candidate projectile from changing the radio station.

Well Hung
These attention-seekers notice nothing behind them because the dream-catcher/bronzed baby turd swinging from their rear-view mirror dulls their peripheral vision so much so that they even forget about their candidate projectile rubbing jam all over the radio.

There's no place like the road to configure your GPS. No, seriously I tune you Bru!

Palm Pilot
They hide their phone by covering it with their whole hand, or by holding it against their left ear with their right hand. These devious tactics never fail to bamboozle the uninitiated, especially while they perform their 3-lane change maneuver.

Staking their claim
The fast lane stalwarts... need we say more? The Golden Rule of the Road means nothing to these sphincterless pedants. Even an emergency vehicle gets the bird when trying to pass them, I kid you not.

If you can read this....
Those mental giants that decide that finger-length gap between you and them is enough while driving along a single-lane road. The solid painted line means nothing to them, why the hell have you not passed the car ahead of you? Their reaction-time will surely save them, just as soon as they have wrestled the candidate projectile's fingers from the dirty ashtray

Objects may appear...
You're about to pass Mr Frank n' Furter when he does a Jump To the Right and your breakfast starts reversing direction as you are thrust against the safety of the seat belt while avoiding him. Why are you so upset?... he used his indicator

Blink, and you'll miss it
The indicator is his weapon although some prefer to enter the field of battle without it. Those who wield it allow it to blink for a picosecond during their 1 nanosecond traversal from their lane to yours. Again, why are you so upset?

Of course I saw your attempts to avoid me, while texting, scolding the candidate projectile and performing the Jump to the Right.

I brake for green
Red is the bottom one, right?

I can see you... maybe
Night blind but who cares.. Who said that?!

Gesticulation, mastication and yakking
I'll get to wiping the children from my windscreen after I've finished my conversation with my passenger which requires me to face them and gesticulate with both hands

You shall not pass!
Once they see you're going to pass them, the challenge is ON! Oh no you don't Mr. Sub-vehicle

Stop, or did it say pots?
I stop, and they think I'm giving them the chance to go even though they haven't stopped. Alternatively they wave you onwards, graciously and impatiently granting you permission to go, even though you were first. The third type of idiot makes a cursory attempt at stopping, then assumes he would have beat you to it anyway, and continues onwards merrily. The fourth type of idiot stops 5 car-lengths behind the painted line simply to be the first one to have stopped behind the line so that they can claim first place in the queue of who-goes-first.

All lanes are born equal
I'll use this turning lane to go straight, or wait! I'll turn in this straight lane... amazing! Why doesn't anyone else think of this?! Oh wait that taxi beat me to it grrrrr

I'm not dead yet!
I'm older than you, have some respect and let me dismount the kerb!!

There are certain brands and types of cars which tend to attract or develop the behaviours above. I don't want to be sued, so I'll be vague, can you guess which they are?.
More than one circle;
I can like to drrrive my fourrrr times fourrr;
Beee errrm What was I doing?
Delivery Vehicles
Minibus taxis
Handyman/plumber/electrician/builder etc etc
Branded Company cars especially car salepeople

Tow the line
Get out of my way, I'm racing to tow some old fogy off the pavement and into the ditch. Must beat the others!

Shopping Mall Parking Peever
The painted lines are purely for demonstration purposes here.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Is there any purpose in blogging about bad drivers?

maybe I'll feel better if I rant...

Friday, August 25, 2006


this is how I feel on the road sometimes

feel like I wanna smack somebody
Turn around and bitch slap somebody
(courtesy Papa Roach and the song Anxiety)

Especially this morning when Miss "I think I've arrived" in her Grey Audi A4 nearly pushed me off the road after she crossed 3 lanes and wanted to enter the same sliplane as me (did I mention, in the same 3d coordinates?)

After we exchanged pleasantries via sign language, she continued to drive like an utter twat (i.e. dangerously) and happened to take the same route as me for the next 15 Km's.

The funny thing eventually was that she thought that I was following her. So when we both took the same offramp off the highway, AND both turned into the same service station, she took off like a bat from hell and started careening through the service station

waaahahahahah it was so funny, because I calmly stopped to fill up my car while she was performing a blend of evasive tactics and Nicky Lauda style driving (we all know what happens when you do that?)

The rest of the idiots on the road didn't bother me as much after Miss "I think I've arrived" cheered me up with her fearful fancy.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

To report bad drivers

Report Road Conditions

National Commuter Hotline

This, my first real entry in my blog about bad drivers, is dedicated to this morning's wunderkind.

Some background:
I tend to be slightly more pedantic about the road rules than 99% of the other drivers. I know I'm not perfect and I know the roads, the traffic signs and the road markings are not perfect, so I try my best to drive in a way which is safe, and considerate of other drivers in the context of those conditions.
In that context, I try to obey the golden rule of the road, i.e. "Keep left, Pass right". This is made virtually impossible by drivers that insist on staying in the right-hand lane and/or the middle lane without passing. How am I supposed to pass right, if the middle and right-hand lanes are clogged by people that aren't passing nor keeping left? The answer is that I choose a lesser evil and I pass them in the left lane (the "slow" lane in South Africa)

This morning I had such an encounter. At about 10:00AM the N1 North was not very busy and I was keeping left. There were two cars in the middle and right-hand lanes respectively. They were not catching up with the car ahead in the left lane. Wunderkind was the middle-lane occupant. I was catching up with them in the left lane and had plenty of opportunity to safely pass Wunderkind before I reached the car which was ahead of me in the distance. That is, until Wunderkind started speeding up when I was passing him.... I realised this only as I was about to move into the middle lane after indicating. I was committed by then and pushed in front of Wunderkind.

Wunderkind then commenced to flash his lights at me and started chasing me. I ignored him and moved back into the left lane. Eventually when I had to move into the middle lane again, Wunderkind was on my backside and hooting like a mad thing. After giving a dismissive wave, I then moved into the right lane and miraculously Wunderkind appeared behind me sooner than what could have been safely achieved. Looking in my mirror I saw that Wunderkind was talking on his cellphone (without the aid of a hands-free or earpiece) and continuously moving halfway into the middle lane and back into the right lane without indicating. I showed him with a flashing motion of my hand that he should use his indicator, which incensed him even more so I decided to avoid him. All the while he was driving a bit too close to my backside so I moved back into the middle lane to allow him to pass since it seemed that he was suddenly in a dangerous hurry.

It was here where I slowed down to allow Wunderkind to pass sooner so that I could avoid him and his dangerous driving tendencies. Now he decided that he wouldn't pass me and he started braking suddenly in so doing forced the car behind him to brake suddenly and also start avoiding him.

When he eventually did pass, I saw that there was a child in a child seat on the back left hand seat..... Also some passengers. He was still talking on the cellphone. Why do people with children in the car drive dangerously? Children should be a reminder not to drive dangerously!

When he left the highway at the Rivonia Rd offramp, he was still talking on his cellphone.

If you see a Silver Mazda 6 with a registration number starting with TLP, avoid him because he is Wunderkind.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Bad Drivers, Bad Roads and my thoughts about that dangerous combination ...

I need to vent somewhere.....