Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Unhealthy Prejudice

There are certain people that should not be sharing the roads with the rest of us. Perhaps, like me, you have started identifying these people by certain characteristics?

I'm probably going to offend a few people, even some friends, but here's my Guide to Identifying the Probable Idiot:

Baby on Board sticker
They always ignore the road rules. Either, Baby is the cause of the distraction, or they're simply stupid. In any case they shouldn't be breeding or driving. The irony is that the sticker is an attempt to warn ME to drive safely...

Think Bike sticker on the car
These morons thinks that because they can straddle the painted lines with their penis extensions, that this this affords them the same right in a car. Their implied consideration does not extend to anyone other than themselves.

Toddle doo
The toddler or shall we refer to them as "impending-projectile offspring of idiot" or simply "candidate projectile", merrily toddles about the confines of their sperm-donor's front seat or centre console while the sperm-donor swerves erratically while trying to prevent the candidate projectile from changing the radio station.

Well Hung
These attention-seekers notice nothing behind them because the dream-catcher/bronzed baby turd swinging from their rear-view mirror dulls their peripheral vision so much so that they even forget about their candidate projectile rubbing jam all over the radio.

There's no place like the road to configure your GPS. No, seriously I tune you Bru!

Palm Pilot
They hide their phone by covering it with their whole hand, or by holding it against their left ear with their right hand. These devious tactics never fail to bamboozle the uninitiated, especially while they perform their 3-lane change maneuver.

Staking their claim
The fast lane stalwarts... need we say more? The Golden Rule of the Road means nothing to these sphincterless pedants. Even an emergency vehicle gets the bird when trying to pass them, I kid you not.

If you can read this....
Those mental giants that decide that finger-length gap between you and them is enough while driving along a single-lane road. The solid painted line means nothing to them, why the hell have you not passed the car ahead of you? Their reaction-time will surely save them, just as soon as they have wrestled the candidate projectile's fingers from the dirty ashtray

Objects may appear...
You're about to pass Mr Frank n' Furter when he does a Jump To the Right and your breakfast starts reversing direction as you are thrust against the safety of the seat belt while avoiding him. Why are you so upset?... he used his indicator

Blink, and you'll miss it
The indicator is his weapon although some prefer to enter the field of battle without it. Those who wield it allow it to blink for a picosecond during their 1 nanosecond traversal from their lane to yours. Again, why are you so upset?

Of course I saw your attempts to avoid me, while texting, scolding the candidate projectile and performing the Jump to the Right.

I brake for green
Red is the bottom one, right?

I can see you... maybe
Night blind but who cares.. Who said that?!

Gesticulation, mastication and yakking
I'll get to wiping the children from my windscreen after I've finished my conversation with my passenger which requires me to face them and gesticulate with both hands

You shall not pass!
Once they see you're going to pass them, the challenge is ON! Oh no you don't Mr. Sub-vehicle

Stop, or did it say pots?
I stop, and they think I'm giving them the chance to go even though they haven't stopped. Alternatively they wave you onwards, graciously and impatiently granting you permission to go, even though you were first. The third type of idiot makes a cursory attempt at stopping, then assumes he would have beat you to it anyway, and continues onwards merrily. The fourth type of idiot stops 5 car-lengths behind the painted line simply to be the first one to have stopped behind the line so that they can claim first place in the queue of who-goes-first.

All lanes are born equal
I'll use this turning lane to go straight, or wait! I'll turn in this straight lane... amazing! Why doesn't anyone else think of this?! Oh wait that taxi beat me to it grrrrr

I'm not dead yet!
I'm older than you, have some respect and let me dismount the kerb!!

There are certain brands and types of cars which tend to attract or develop the behaviours above. I don't want to be sued, so I'll be vague, can you guess which they are?.
More than one circle;
I can like to drrrive my fourrrr times fourrr;
Beee errrm What was I doing?
Delivery Vehicles
Minibus taxis
Handyman/plumber/electrician/builder etc etc
Branded Company cars especially car salepeople

Tow the line
Get out of my way, I'm racing to tow some old fogy off the pavement and into the ditch. Must beat the others!

Shopping Mall Parking Peever
The painted lines are purely for demonstration purposes here.